Category Archives: Writing

Death by Writing

canstockphoto8137642In 1967 Roland Barthes, a French literary critic, wrote an article titled “The Death of the Author”. His theory was that the writing and writer were to be regarded as separate entities, that literature should not be interpreted through the lens of knowledge of an author’s life. Therefore, to gain real readers, the author must disappear from the landscape or die a metaphorical death, allowing the work to stand on its own.

I like that idea. I like the idea that whatever fiction I write, it will stand or fall on its own merit. And I can go back in my corner and write some more. Blogging is a little different, but it’s easy to spot the writers who blog. Bill over at Pinklightsabre’s Blog is a storyteller. His narratives are personal and authentic, but I read them with a slight envy. There is a distance in his tales that lets the reader take it in, but not necessarily feel the need to engage. Tricky for a blogger, but when the writing’s the thing, the story, not the author, is what matters.

Personal narratives are fiction as well. It is the construct in our own minds – how we perceive our own lives and experiences. I have written about the domestic violence I grew up with. It elicited an emotional response from some readers, which sometimes made me feel awkward. It’s my story, but it’s about a person a long time ago, about issues that I’ve long since resolved in my own mind. I rarely write about things that are raw and unprocessed – a rough draft of disorganized memories and unfocused feelings is not skilled work. Writing is the art of giving shape and form to a story, whether it be personal essay or a work of fiction.

This idea of a work being able to stand on its own merit, with no knowledge of the biases or history of the writer, is a freedom we can give to readers. I saw an interview with the author Cormac McCarthy regarding punctuation. I’ll be damned if that did not entirely ruin reading his books for me. I could not stop noticing the lack of punctuation, spending the entire time arguing with myself about the merits of a comma. Had I not seen that interview, I would have read his work, liking or disliking it on its own merits.

Many years ago, I took a literature class that included Jonathan Swift’s Gulliver’s Travels. Scholars took an opposite tact, divining aspects of Swift’s character from his writing. I find that notion scary and inaccurate. I didn’t take away a better understanding of satirical writing, but I will forever remember Swift as a scatophile and misogynist. That kind of description of an author’s character, derived from his or her writing, is enough to bring a writer’s creative license to a screeching halt.

Barthes’ article refers to the traditional telling of tales. There was the story and then the teller or shaman or mediator – the human bridge between a story, often of unknown origin, and its audience. Writers are exhorted to “find your voice” from workshops to the legions of writing advice books. There’s a note of narcissism – this sense that you are your own cult of personality. But that voice is an amalgam of experiences, conversations, sights – sources that may never be sorted and categorized. Who knows if a conversation I heard on the Metro eons ago has been recreated on a page. It’s not part of my conscious recollection.

Works of art, writing and music are often more admirable than the creators. It can be a work that transforms and inspires and moves you to tears. It’s better not to know that it was sung, written or painted by some drug-addled dilettante or wife beating anti-Semite. We need to stop lauding, judging or fawning over creators and start looking at the work. Karma will out if the human behind it has an agenda, a manufactured motivation. The work will not stand.

Writing is a marvelous human endeavor, but to try and suss out the actual human is an exercise in futility. It is a chronic issue today, when everyone feels the need to know everything about everyone else. We often know more about a writer or actor or musician than about their work and accomplishments. It denigrates the level of discourse and misses out on the real beauty of art – to appreciate it on its own merits and through our own eyes. It should be a personal journey, not a tour bus of flawed strangers whispering in our ears.

Here are some other blogging storytellers that I enjoy reading:

Tales of travel at Adventures in Wonderland

Clear-eyed narration of troubling stories at What’s Broken

A favorite of mine – funny nature narratives and great pictures at theeffstop and her family tales at The King of Isabelle Avenue

A compelling tale at Bethany’s Story

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Filed under Blogging, Personal, Writing

Drifting Towards Center

canstockphoto13501949I’m wound pretty tightly. Lately, I’m having weeks where my schedule is so full, there is barely time to think. It means that I’m going to Sproing! at any moment. It finally happened yesterday – the unraveling, the unwinding, gears off track, springs shooting wildly off in every direction. I imagine myself to be like a cartoon, ending haplessly in a disassembled pile of parts.

I began to drift mentally. I flopped down in the middle of a productive day to be decidedly useless. I perused the books on my shelves, listened to Keb’ Mo’ on repeat and said “no” to everything else. We got hit with a huge snowstorm last week, so primal urges to be out and in the dirt gardening were squashed. There’s nothing to be done but wait it out.

Drifting can be an uncomfortable state for me. I have calendars and lists and reminders popping up on my phone and on my computer. I have sticky notes and files and some days I’m organized down to the millisecond. It makes me efficient, prepared, a “together” kind of person, able to juggle work and volunteering and parenting and domesticity in a single bound. Until I hit that wall.

I begin to absentmindedly dismiss all the electronic reminders and start to lose things. I laugh erratically when I realize I’ve walked out the door with an unmatched pair of running shoes on (true story). A sticky note is stuck to my elbow (also true). I can’t remember where I was supposed to go first and start muttering out loud. A little panic sets in. The sense that I’ve forgotten something overwhelms me and I’m paralyzed by anxiety.

There is a feeling that it will all come crashing down on me. That I will soon be revealed for the disheveled heap of forgetfulness and irresponsibility that resides at my core. I sit down. I’m exhausted. As my heartbeat slows, the noose loosens, I pick up a book or ten. I don’t really read, just flipping through words, words, words. My mind opens and thoughts of where I have to be and what I need to do dissipate, clearing the way for random, disorganized and unfocused thoughts.

The meaning of time begins to change. It stops being measured by the clock and starts drifting. I start to think about all the writers throughout the centuries, all of us grasping for meaning or notoriety or to get it all out. It’s really an amazing pursuit. I’ve missed writing the last couple of weeks. I caught up on correspondence, doing that time-consuming old-fashioned task of writing longhand letters, some illegible as hastily scrawled notations on a prescription pad. Writing longhand sets me back in time, when I filled pages trying to find meaning.

Sometimes, when I look at my books, mournful thoughts emerge. I will never live long enough to learn all that I want to learn. My books, some unread, sit hopefully on a side table. They remind me that I have a lifetime of intention that must be fit, if I’m fortunate, into a limit of decades. Sad thoughts follow quickly, as I thought about the many lives lost this week. There was Boston, then Texas, Iraq and an earthquake in China. Lost potential, lost years to grief. My thoughts are petty in comparison.

I took my time vacuuming and folding laundry – physical, but neither demanding nor mentally taxing. I took care of my possessions, dusting mementos and books and picture frames. Possessions are both important and not. It is the care that we take with them that imbue them with value, not ownership. It is the reminder of friends or times long past, but held dear. I hung a new piece of artwork, sent by one of my blogging buddies, a reminder of whimsy and new friendship and the value of something handmade or drawn.

I helped my daughter do some crafting projects, ate dinner with family, talked to the cats who have been repeatedly ignored and tripped over this last week. I touched base with all those people and things that put my “to do” lists into perspective. They are the reason that I do.

canstockphoto3520841Today, I plan more of the same. Unfocused thinking, book browsing, another walk on a snowy, gray day, writing here and there. And when tonight comes, my breathing finally full and natural again, my love of books and writing reignited, and gratitude for being alive refreshed, then I will sit down and write my list for Monday.

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Filed under Personal, Reading, Writing

Preparing for Your Own Worst Enemy

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I left the YMCA in a huff last night after a mediocre workout. A group of women were having a yak-a-thon in the corner of the weight room. This is a pet peeve of mine – rabid, loud socializing when I’m working out. It’s not just the women, either. I’ve seethed as men stood around saying creepy things to each other like “you’re getting really big” or “which protein powder do you use?”.

I’m on the road back to fitness after a tedious winter of flus and injuries and entropy. It means that any excuse is enough to make me give up and go home. When you go looking for reasons to quit, you are guaranteed to find them. My trainer used to say “you get to use that excuse only once and then it gets crossed off the list.” I’m a creative person, though. I once used the fact that I’d forgotten my headphones, to go home and have a snack instead.

My goal over the next three weeks is to show up at the gym consistently. The idea that it takes 21 days to make or break a habit is pseudoscience from the 1960s. A current study suggested that it can actually take over two months for a habit to become automatic, but it also showed that the time frame can vary widely from one individual to another.

For me, the three week repetition seems to do the trick. I emphasize the words show up, because I have walked into the gym, seen how busy it was, turned around and headed home. I still gave myself kudos for making it through the door. Most of the time, I do stick around and get some exercise done.

For the last decade, I worked as a business manager for a recruiting firm. The training for recruiters/sales people always involved starting out with a script. When the potential client/customer raised an objection or concern, the sales person had to be ready to overcome that objection. Much the same concept can be applied to personal goals. Know your favorite obstacles. Go through the script. Be prepared to counter that obstacle. Here’s the conversation I had yesterday with myself:

I need to work out today.

My shoulder hurts from the Pilates class yesterday.

Quit whining. Ice it and do leg work instead.

Fine. But I’m not going to enjoy it.

Injuries are a common excuse of mine. The injuries are real. At 45, doing high impact activities like taekwondo and running means injuries every other month or so. It’s a known obstacle and one that I’ve had to become adept at overcoming. This is where having a trainer has been especially useful. The minute I say that I need a break because of a quad injury, she has 20 exercises at the tip of her brain that I can do instead. I’ve learned enough from her to know that, unless I am in a coma, there is always something that I can do.

The practice of overcoming objections is a habit in and of itself. It’s hard for me to make excuses about anything without that other voice in my head saying “but you can do something“. Unexpected change in my schedule is high on the list of obstacles. If I planned to write all afternoon and have to take my mother-in-law to the dentist instead, it’s very easy for me to do a Scarlett O’Hara and put off writing until tomorrow. I have to force myself to think of that something that I can still do today. I have learned to jot notes and outlines in waiting rooms, during piano lessons, at an oil change or in the five minutes before I have to go somewhere else.

Taekwondo training lately has been focused on self-defense techniques in real life scenarios. The key is always awareness and thinking through the “what ifs”. Just like objections and obstacles, I have to talk myself through the B I will do if A happens. It’s important not to confuse concepts, though. If a mugger jumps out at me in a parking garage, I might whip out a notebook and jot down tomorrow’s post. Worse yet, when my neighbor needs a ride to the grocery store on a day when I’d planned on painting the kitchen, I might take out her kneecap.

When your biggest obstacle to meeting a personal intention is yourself, you know all the tricks and excuses. I give myself a mental, condescending pat on the head. That’s nice, dear. Now, go do something.

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Filed under Fitness, Humor, Personal, Personal Trainer, Tae Kwon Do, Writing

Blog Burnout: When the Hair of the Dog that Bit You Doesn’t Work

canstockphoto9610173I’ve been a shadow of a presence in the blogging world these last few weeks. It’s the sixth month of a Minnesota winter and I’m pretty sure we had at least four different kinds of precipitation yesterday. I’ve been overwhelmed with work, volunteering, writing, squirrel invasions and attending one event or another. There’s no end in sight for the next couple of weeks. I am feeling decidedly grumpy and my attempts to read other people’s posts on gratitude just pushes the meter from grumpy to downright surly. I do no one any good trying to be a “presence”. I’m the kind of presence that would definitely put a damper on the party.

I wonder if I’m not in the majority, though. I’ve noticed less posting by the bloggers I follow and what is posted, is often halfhearted. Not your posts, of course. Is this cyclical, part of a blog’s lifespan? I have very productive weeks interrupted with occasional breaks, but lately, the breaks are getting longer. I’ve become a bit inured to topics that would, in the past, have interested me. Everything feels ho-hum, including anything I might have to say.

Part of the dullness, all weather aside, is that we become predictable voices. On some days, those voices are a comfort – familiar and friendly. On other days, we’re the chatty neighbor that catches you every time you leave your house. Predictable. Exhausting. I find myself repeating the same phrases and stories and references, just as if the readers of this blog were old friends, accustomed to my usual nattering about my child or job or writing or house. After a year of writing about these topics, I’m starting to repeat and contradict and bore myself.

In the blogging world and in real life, I’m a crust-less sandwich. I have no edge. If my aura had a shape, it would look like an amoeba under a microscope – shifting, but no edge to be found. I envy it a bit in others. Having an edge, an angry opinion, a willingness to say the shocking or the silly, these are things that keep blogs lively. Occasionally I need a nap after reading one of them.

I live about a block and a half from the edge. Close enough to watch others, but far enough away to avoid risk. When I started this blog, I thought the risk was simply writing out loud. I’ve learned, though, that I can manage it, that there’s a relatively friendly place to do it and that, on occasion, I write something of interest to others. Lately though, if I’m boring myself, there’s no reason to imagine that anyone else would find this blog worth reading. So, I’m re-evaluating what I’m doing, looking at ways to refresh things, and trying to find my way back to engagement and interaction.canstockphoto6161461

Feed the Machine. My brain needs more quality input – more books and ideas and inspiration. I went to a museum last week, have picked up more random books to read and am listening to music that I haven’t heard in years. I’m having quiet moments amidst the chaos where I just sit and stare off into nothingness. I might be sleeping with my eyes open, but we’ll call it meditation.

Limit the Noise. I’ve started avoiding mainstream newstainment and news feeds. I have extricated myself from long conversations with people who have a license to drone. I haven’t been reading as much online, because the drawback is that it perpetuates a short attention span until I become as twitchy as a lab rat. I’ve also cut back on my output/ communication – sometimes making my own noise is tiring.

Get in Motion. Nothing gets that brain muscle working better than moving the rest of the body. Workouts have been a challenge this winter for me – mostly because of…me. It is the easiest habit for me to break, but the habit I need the most, because it improves my mental clarity, my overall energy, how I sleep and how I write (really!). Back to the Y.

Go off Road. I’m changing up my routines. Netflix is getting cancelled, I’m rearranging my office, I’m designating one day as cooking day, I’m breaking the patterns up to see if something different works better. I’m saying yes to things I usually say no to and I’m trying to stop saying “I should” in my head, replacing it with “I would like to…”

Imagine away Limitations. Just getting by has put me into a subsistence mode. Personal visions and goals were buried under the snow and I haven’t seen the long view in quite a while. What are my goals and what am I doing each and every day to meet them? What does a great day look like and how do I make it happen? Time for a little imagination and creativity.

And that’s my story. What’s yours? Burned out? Energized? Ready to give it all up or start over?

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Filed under Blogging, Personal, Writing

Winners! (and some jobs you’d like to be fired from)

canstockphoto4598050The Green Study “Worst Job I Ever Had” contest has come to an end and with it, the happy announcement of the winners. It was a really, really tough decision and I am expanding the top 3 prizes, by adding 3 Honorable Mentions. It might be pity, since the jobs they wrote about sounded truly awful. Either way, thank you to all the lovely writers, bloggers and readers that submitted entries.

1st Prize goes to The Wisdom of Life, for the job you’d least like to have.

The entry, “Discovering Chicken”, will be posted as a guest post to my blog, they will be sent one The Green Study Coffee Mug or Pen and I will make a $100 donation to the American Red Cross on their behalf of their local Red Cross Chapter or International Disaster Response fund.

2nd Prize goes to Elyse at FiftyFourandaHalf, for the job where homicide should have been an option.

Her entry, “The Gray Zone”, will be posted as a guest post to my blog, she will be sent one The Green Study Coffee Mug or Pen and I will make a $75 donation to the American Red Cross on her behalf to her local Red Cross Chapter or their International Disaster Response fund.

3rd Prize goes to Bill, from Pinklightsabre’s Blog, for a job straight out of the temp job playbook (no silver lining!).

His entry, “Ball Bearings”, will be posted as a guest post to my blog, he will be sent one The Green Study Coffee Mug or Pen and I will make a $50 donation to the American Red Cross on his behalf to his local Red Cross Chapter or their International Disaster Response fund.

Honorable Mentions: These three entries, listed in no particular order, included a bolo tie, a murderous dog and panties hanging on a rear view mirror. I simply couldn’t leave them out. I will post each of these as guest posts to my blog, send them The Green Study Coffee Mug or Pen and donate $25 each to the American Red Cross on their behalf of their local Red Cross Chapter or their International Disaster Response fund.

Dave at 1pointperspective for “Two Pepsis and Hold the Red-Eye”

Rebecca at Living La Vida London for “Paper Girl in A Dog’s World”

cancerinmythirties for “The Worst Job I Ever Had–OR–A Hairy Guy & an Old White House”

All participants will receive a personalized, cheesy postcard from Minneapolis. You betcha.

Thank you to everyone who participated in my latest whimsy and enjoy the upcoming posts over the next few weeks!

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Filed under Blogging, Humor, Personal, Writing

Reminder: “Worst Job I Ever Had” Contest Still in Play

canstockphoto4598050The Green Study “Worst Job I Ever Had” contest will be wrapping up today, Sunday, March 3rd 2013, 12:00 pm (US Standard Central Time). 

Guidelines:

Write a previously unpublished blog post (with title) 200-700 words long about the worst job you’ve ever had. Submit it through my Contact page by Sunday, March 3rd 2013, 12:00 pm (US Standard Central Time). Please note that your formatting is retained when I receive it – the Contact page makes it look like it has disappeared.

One entry per person please. The contest begins as soon as this post goes public.

The winners will be notified on Wednesday, March 6th 2013 by 12:00 pm (US Standard Central Time).

Guest blog posting, shipping of the prizes and donations will take place by March 31st, 2013.

All entries will be judged by me, myself and I. It’s entirely subjective.

1st Prize: Your entry will be posted as a guest post to my blog, you will be sent one The Green Study Coffee Mug or Pen (depending on your preference and shipping restrictions) and I will make a $100 donation to the American Red Cross on your behalf to your local Red Cross Chapter or their International Disaster Response fund.

2nd Prize: Your entry will be posted as a guest post to my blog, you will be sent one The Green Study Coffee Mug or Pen (depending on your preference and shipping restrictions) and I will make a $75 donation to the American Red Cross on your behalf to your local Red Cross Chapter or their International Disaster Response fund.

3rd Prize: Your entry will be posted as a guest post to my blog, you will be sent one The Green Study Coffee Mug or Pen (depending on your preference and shipping restrictions) and I will make a $50 donation to the American Red Cross on your behalf to your local Red Cross Chapter or their International Disaster Response fund.

All participants will receive a priceless, irreplaceable postcard from Minneapolis (although it actually cost $1.00 and can be bought at the airport, in large quantities).

I will ship prize winners’ mugs or pens internationally (with no guarantee that it will arrive or that it will arrive in one piece, but the same caveat applies stateside).

Looking forward to reading your entry!

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The Elephant in the Study: Blogger’s Angst

canstockphoto0454563When a long time reader and commenter un-followed me and started deleting my comments when I would comment on their blog, I’d like to say that I shrugged it off and moved on. I haven’t yet. It’s the boyfriend who never called back, the essay that didn’t get picked, the participation ribbon when I believed I would place, it’s the song I warbled horribly through in front of a crowd, it’s the polite applause I got for improv that I thought was hysterically funny, it’s the promotion I didn’t get. It’s deliberate rejection done as passive-aggressively as possible.

Most readers of this blog have a pretty good idea of my schtick. I’m middle-aged, suburban, a parent with ambivalent religiosity and penchant for occasional foul language. I rarely inspire controversy. I comment politely or in kind on people’s blogs. I respond to comments on my blog the same way. Maybe I’ve got it all wrong. Maybe I’m supposed to be self-doubting and unsure and timid. Maybe I’m not as polite as I imagine. Maybe I should just sit down and shut up.

I’ve gone through the thinking that happens when someone un-follows. There’s so many reasons that make sense to me – they thought I was one kind of writer until the next post when I wasn’t. This is the drawback of writing about anything that occurs to me, as opposed to finding a focus. Or their reader or email notifications have just overwhelmed them and they need to draw the list down. Or they just followed me, so I would follow them and when I didn’t get around to it, went off for more guerrilla following. I get it and I’ve learned not to take it personally.

This time, though, it feels personal. When you’ve interacted with someone over many months, both in comments on their blog and their comments on yours, you think you know a little about them and they you. And it’s weird, too, since I’m not sure what I’ve done to cause offense. This blogger does not want me to exist in their universe now and wow, it hurts my feelings. Is it okay to say that or does it make me too sensitive or wrapped up in the blogging world? I’m not sure. I haven’t dealt with this before, so I haven’t developed a reasonable perspective that doesn’t make me feel just a little crappy about myself.

Admittedly, I’ve hit a low point with blogging and writing in general, so this is just a little “kick me when I’m down” incident. I’ll get over it and move on, but this is, unfortunately, how I started my day and it will weigh on me a bit until I rally my spirits and hit my writing stride. There is always the writing…and a reminder to myself that one person doesn’t negate the great deal of pleasure I’ve gotten from blogging and getting to know so many lovely readers and bloggers. I just need to shake it off, but it’s raw and I’m sitting with it for the moment.

Have you experienced anything like this with blogging?

Administrative Note: The Green Study “Worst Job I’ve Ever Had” Contest is coming to life with some very funny/ horrific entries! You have until Sunday, March 3rd 2013, 12:00 pm (US Standard Central Time) to get your entry submitted.

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Filed under Blogging, Personal, Writing

The Green Study “Worst Job I Ever Had” Contest

canstockphoto4598050It’s Monday and the perfect day to announce The Green Study “Worst Job I Ever Had” contest. After writing my post yesterday regarding various jobs and exchanging comments with readers about their jobs, I thought this might be a nice way to kill off some winter blahs (mine, to be specific). Please note that if I publish your post and it results in you being fired from your current job, I accept no liability. Blog responsibly.

Guidelines:

Write a previously unpublished blog post (with title) 200-700 words long about the worst job you’ve ever had. Submit it through my Contact page by Sunday, March 3rd 2013, 12:00 pm (US Standard Central Time). Please note that your formatting is retained when I receive it – the Contact page makes it look like it has disappeared.

One entry per person please. The contest begins as soon as this post goes public.

The winners will be notified on Wednesday, March 6th 2013 by 12:00 pm (US Standard Central Time).

Guest blog posting, shipping of the prizes and donations will take place by March 31st, 2013.

All entries will be judged by me, myself and I. It’s entirely subjective.

1st Prize: Your entry will be posted as a guest post to my blog, you will be sent one The Green Study Coffee Mug or Pen (depending on your preference and shipping restrictions) and I will make a $100 donation to the American Red Cross on your behalf to your local Red Cross Chapter or their International Disaster Response fund.

2nd Prize: Your entry will be posted as a guest post to my blog, you will be sent one The Green Study Coffee Mug or Pen (depending on your preference and shipping restrictions) and I will make a $75 donation to the American Red Cross on your behalf to your local Red Cross Chapter or their International Disaster Response fund.

3rd Prize: Your entry will be posted as a guest post to my blog, you will be sent one The Green Study Coffee Mug or Pen (depending on your preference and shipping restrictions) and I will make a $50 donation to the American Red Cross on your behalf to your local Red Cross Chapter or their International Disaster Response fund.

All participants will receive a priceless, irreplaceable postcard from Minneapolis (although it actually cost $1.00 and can be bought at the airport, in large quantities).

I will ship prize winners’ mugs or pens internationally (with no guarantee that it will arrive or that it will arrive in one piece, but the same caveat applies stateside).

Let’s shake off the winter blahs

& have some fun!

33 Comments

Filed under Blogging, Personal, Uncategorized, Writing

Turkey Wrangling and Other Curiosities

On the way to the grocery store last week, a police van stopped in front of me at a busy intersection and put on its lights. I reflexively wondered what I had done. The officer got out and walked back towards my car. I panicked – did I put my current registration in the glove box? He stopped and with a comical, defeated expression on his face, gestured for me to go around his vehicle.

I passed by slowly, wondering what was going on. On the other side of the officer’s van, a wild turkey came running out. In almost cartoonish animation, the ungainly, but speedy bird lurched this way and that in traffic, with the officer in close pursuit. The chase was on. And that was how his day started.

canstockphoto6249825I once started my day at 5am, making donuts at a grocery store, wearing a horrific name tag that said, “I’m new, but I’m exceptional!” I was new, but the thought that this was me being exceptional depressed the hell out of me. Mostly I pulled frozen crullers and bear claws out of the freezer to defrost. I was also charged with mixing batter, feeding it like toothpaste into a doughnut press, and dropping the heart attack bombs into the fryer.

Starting out with paper routes and babysitting, I’ve had one job or another since I was 10 years old. Babysitting was where I got my first exposure to porn. After the little wretches were put to bed for the 400th time, I was looking through videos for something to watch and there were magazines. I was 11 years old and had no idea people did things like that with animals. I didn’t tell anybody, but I never babysat for the Creepensteins again. They had farm animals.

One of the toughest jobs I had was working as a security guard (sometimes a natural progression from the military) at a plant that made washers and dryers. It was a tough job, because I worked the graveyard shift (11pm-7am). This allowed me to attend college during the day. Apparently I didn’t need much sleep then. To save money, the company would use the non-union security guards to run and monitor their waste water treatment department. I spent the night watching chrome decanting monitors and opening barrels of treatment chemicals that burned holes in the front of my t-shirts. Those were the days of safety first third or fourth.

Over the last couple of decades, I’ve worked in nicer places – a library, a hospital, office cubes, eventually an office of my own. It’s a different kind of work from loading boxes on a trailer or digging trenches at a park reserve. I find office work to be more challenging than any other kind of work, as I am not adept at being in close contact with humans all day long. And you can spend a whole day being busy and get absolutely nothing of concrete worth done.

Working from home is a blessing and a curse. My human interaction is sometimes so limited that I frighten the UPS man with my perky greeting that says “I haven’t talked to another human today. Be my friend”. Now they’re like pranksters, they ring the door bell and run, in the hopes the crazy lady in yoga pants won’t try and talk to them.

I used to regard my consumer interactions as a nuisance, wishing cashiers and hair cutters and post office workers wouldn’t try to strike up a conversation with me. I was busy, dammit. Let’s get a move on. Now that my human interactions are not so forced, I find it enjoyable to do more than smile and be polite. I am becoming the nosy old lady who wants to know if you and Bob over at the car wash are related, since you both have the same shaped eyes. I am becoming Miss Marple.

As a writer, I should understand and embrace this curiosity. I’ve always been introverted and reserved, but these days, I’m getting bolder and giving in to my unfiltered questions. It’s no longer enough to just observe. I asked the lady cutting my hair yesterday if her hands hurt after doing this all day. She told me how she got carpal tunnel when she was pregnant and how a coworker of hers has no feeling in her pinky fingers anymore.

Being curious about the experiences of others, putting yourself in their shoes, asking impulsive questions and most importantly, making connections – this is something I’m finally embracing. I’ve started to pay closer attention to the people who I encounter throughout the day. Whether they like it or not. Although a nosy Nellie might be a step up from a wild turkey.

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Filed under Personal, Writing

What to Leave In, What to Leave Out

canstockphoto3803256I love editing. There is something about cutting unnecessary words and reordering sentences that gives me pleasure. It’s an art form to make things simpler, cleaner and more lyrical. Of late I’ve needed to apply those same skills to my life, especially when I find myself drowning in too much information or too many nuisance tasks. What gets left in? What gets deleted? What gets rewritten to make more sense?

This week, I re-read a favorite writing resource, On Writing Well by William Zinsser. He advocates clean, expressive writing. I’ve been doing a lot of muddled writing lately and it is reflective of my muddled mind. I have a lot of authorial clutter – a list of what this blog and my novel should or should not be. It’s gathered slowly, but progressively. Create content, be a web presence, write everyday, write what you know, find your voice, be interesting, be funny, be, be, be…I’m shaking it off, clearing away the “shoulds” and getting back to creating work that gives me pleasure.

I took some time off from blogging. I went to my local library and selected a pile of random books. I strolled up and down the aisles. I grabbed Bernard Heinrich’s Winter World: The Ingenuity of Animal Survival, Home Safe by Elizabeth Berg, Hochschild’s The Unquiet Ghost: Russians Remember Stalin, and A Book of Luminous Things: An International Anthology of Poetry. I’ve been spending the last few days falling in love with reading again. It is slow and I can rest in between pages, re-read lines that strike me, be amazed and thrilled at well-crafted sentences. Hours slip by and I am somewhere else.

My physical space needed to be edited as well. There were remnants of this week’s hastily put together Valentine’s classroom party and my taekwondo sparring gear waiting to be cleaned. My desk was covered with draft work production reports and manuals, mail that I haven’t gone through, empty photo albums that I pulled out last week to start filling. I couldn’t see a clear surface anywhere. There was no room to be creative or start with a clean slate. There were chores piled up everywhere, my guilty conscience in solid form.

I realized, too, that I had to re-claim my time. I didn’t answer the phone. I didn’t surf the internet or answer emails. I didn’t run about on one errand or another. There were moments of sitting intentionally still, staring out the window at snow-laden trees and daydreaming about a spring garden. I thought about what we could do for summer vacation. I imagined walking with my family through Golden Gate Park or visiting Graceland or camping on the Boundary Waters up north.

I’ve been listening to a lot of noise unintentionally, catching tunes on the radio while on my way to school, getting people’s ringtones stuck in my head, hearing too many talking heads on the big brother televisions that are everywhere. I sought out silence and quieted the crowds in my head. I sat and listened to Samuel Barber’s Adagio for Strings. Chills ran down my spine. I had forgotten that music can do that.

I am not a highbrow person. I love pop music and movies where everyone happily rides off into the sunset. I read everything I can get my hands on or my eyeballs run across online. But when I lack inspiration, it becomes desperately important to step out of the mainstream into places where I am a tourist. I need to listen to classical music, read an academic tome, look at art that isn’t in a poster frame, see an independent movie, allow my mind, if only briefly, to challenge itself, to imagine that I, too, am capable of creating higher art.

I am clearing my physical space, leaving it open once again for breathing and movement. I am clearing my brain clutter, by doing menial tasks without the expectation of perfection, but tasks that have a satisfying beginning and end. I am quieting the stream of disparate information. I am staking a claim on hours at a time. I will sit still and get lost in the sound of my own voice on paper. I’ve missed it.

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