As people in the Northeast are trying to dig themselves out from under piles of snow, I’m doing some metaphorical digging out of my own.
After going through the worst winter ever in terms of colds and flu, I must rally myself into a consistent workout program, bring better focus to my writing, wrap up some loose ends with the job and return to the solid sense of purpose I had for a brief few moments in the fall.
The challenge is to not romanticize where I once was. I get tripped up by the accomplishments and skills I had in the past. It’s demoralizing and serves only as an obstacle to growth in this moment. I need to be mature enough to recognize that I have different limitations and need to adjust my expectations.
I’m not bouncing back as quickly from injuries or maladies, which is a tough pill to swallow. An easy five mile run can turn into a miserable 3 miles of referring pain from knees to back to shoulders. A cold becomes weeks of sinus infections and dry coughs. Instead of needing a day to recover from weight training, I need 2 or 3. A headache can ruin a day.
I had to delay testing for my first taekwondo black belt this month. I was driving myself based on standards I only attain after months of solid training, not sporadic weeks. My instructor said that I could be ready, but I knew that even if I passed the test, it wouldn’t be my best. I want to feel like I really earned it.
Writing became sluggish and resistant this week as well. I was tempted to not do any at all and just read books in my cozy chair. I have weeks when writing seems easy in terms of topic or flow. My inner editor has taken to calling me a ‘numbnut’ every time I choke out a paragraph.
I suppose this week has been about sinking into those feelings and recognizing that, to rally my motivation, I need an honest assessment. I need to approach everything with new eyes, instead of looking backwards. Adaptability is one of those keys to happiness and success that is underrated. I’ve been going along, mad at myself for not living up to past standards and digging myself a deeper hole out of which to climb.
And so, my friends, I will drag my cranky body to the gym this morning for a mild workout, write uneven, navel-gazing posts for awhile and quite possibly, be awful at everything I do. There’s no way out of this hole except tunneling through the mediocrity, dealing with aches and pains, and accepting that where I’m at, is the point from where I start. It’s not a motivational speech someone would pay for, but it will do for now.
The Green Study 
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