Spammer Seeks Roommate with Problems

canstockphoto16553471Every once in a while, I scan the spam comments that this blog receives. If anyone can over-think a spam comment, it is yours truly.

With the guess that many of our spammers originate from countries where English is not a primary language, I am baffled by their opinions of Americans. We are apparently a helpful bunch of clods as entreaties for roommates and brothers with problems fill our spam boxes. We are also quite narcissistic and nothing pleases our peacock brains more than compliments about our skillful writing, that can be found nowhere else on the internet.

In the interest of international relations, I’ve decided to help out these misguided souls by providing a little advice (which I know they will like/bookmark/grab RSS feed in the hopes that I will buy their shoes/handbags/pills or allow them to have all my banking information following several cash wire transfers).

NOTICE: While these are real spam comments, no spammers have been hurt in the writing of this post. Attention is like air to them. Damn me.

Dear Random Blogger Who I have Spammed:

At this moment I am ready to do my breakfast, once having my breakfast coming yet again to read additional news.

Sincerely, Fake Name at gmail.com

Dear Fake Name:

If you are attempting to read the news, make sure your breakfast is comprised of cynicism sunny side up with a dash of disgust and faux outrage.

PS – You might notice that a lot of Americans shoot each other.

The Green Study

Dear Miscellaneous Internet Presence:

Thank you, I’ve recently been searching for information about this subject for a long time and yours is the best I have discovered till now. But, what about the bottom line? Are you certain in regards to the supply?

Toronto Star (aka MuslimRestaurant at zoho.com)

Dear Toronto Star:

While I’m flattered by the unsolicited and false compliment, it is clear that media across the border has taken a cue from its American cohorts. Using Twitter and random bloggers as reporting sources is an unsteady proposition at best.

If you are a Muslim restaurant, you clearly haven’t seen my kitchen, which is often bereft of supplies.

The Green Study

Hi mates,

how is the whole thing, and what you would like to say regarding this post, in my view its genuinely remarkable designed for me.

Papillon on the Park at opentable.com

Dear Papillon,

I also wore this shirt today for you. And I will be naming my second-never-born after you.

The Green Study

Dear Whoever You Are,

Simply want to say your article is as amazing. The clearness on your post is just cool and that i could assume you’re an expert in this subject.
Fine along with your permission let me to seize your RSS feed to keep updated with imminent post.
Thank you 1,000,000 and please continue the rewarding work.

Michael Kors Factory Outlet

Dear Michael Kors Factory Outlet (can I call you Mike?),

I am an expert on exactly nothing. Or everything, if you’re really stupid. By the way, I have no idea what the hell an RSS feed is, but I’m pretty sure it will fight back, should you attempt to seize it. Please thank me in $1 million dollars and no cheap knockoffs.

The Green Study

Dear Potential Smoker,

Its such as you read my thoughts! You seem to understand so much about this, such as you wrote the guide in it or something. I believe that you simply could do with some p.c. to drive the message home a bit, but other than that,
this is excellent blog. A fantastic read. I will definitely be back.

e-cigarette review

Dear e,

I can read your thoughts. Can you read mine? I’m thinking them really loudly right now and I don’t think you’ll be back.

The Green Study

Dear Person on Internet,

I do not even understand how I ended up right here, but I assumed this post used to be great.
I don’t realize who you are however certainly you are going to a well-known blogger for those
who are not already. Cheers!

Roseanna on YouTube

Dear Roseanna,

But used-to-bes don’t count anymore. They just lay on the floor ’til we sweep them away. Channeling my best canstockphoto3460980Neil Diamond for you. It is sweet bon mots like these that will indeed launch me into stardom. Then my publicist will write witty replies to spam. I’ll be too busy punching out paparazzi.

The Green Study

 

Well, this is a silly post that has gone on far too long. Have a great week!

19 Comments on “Spammer Seeks Roommate with Problems

  1. This is hysterical!!! Thanks for the great laugh. I think you have a very promising future as a spammer 🙂

    Like

  2. So, you are saying, I won’t achieve true stardom until I am receiving clunky, half-literate, phishing commentary cloaked as approbation? I’m beginning to see the appeal of obscurity. (Let’s make the poor, foreign correspondents look these words up in their dictionaries!)

    Like

  3. Thanks Michelle for replying for me, and other famous writers, too! And for the good laugh!

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    • You’re so welcome! I’m taking on the world’s ills, one problem at a time…Next up, consumer-proof packaging. Seriously – it shouldn’t take me an hour and a surgical extraction team to open a battery package.

      Like

      • That’s a good one! We all struggle with those…I just had a minor “injury” trying to pry open a mustard jar.

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  4. Oh, lordy, this is good stuff. Now can you address the spam followers? All those people who subscribe to my site just to help me make it better? Gosh, what a helpful world we live in.

    Like

    • Or, I have a terrible memory, because I see that I commented above. Feel free to delete my idiotic remarks.

      Like

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