2nd place goes to Kiri at The Dust Season for “Personals vs. Real Estate, Financing Available”. This essay made me laugh, while thinking that I might need a contractor or ten as well.
She was sent one Green Study Coffee Mug, a postcard from Minneapolis and $75 donation was made to the American Red Cross on her behalf to her local Red Cross Chapter.
“Personals vs. Real Estate, Financing Available”
By Kiri at The Dust Season
I have come to the conclusion that, in terms of real estate, I am what’s known as a fixer-upper. Or, rather, a handy-man’s special. Now, before you interrupt, saying, “No, no. You are what’s known as a woman who’s been ‘well-loved’ and ‘priced to sell’.” Let me just stop you there. This isn’t that kind of post.
House hunting has brought me to a new appreciation of the dating site I am on…which shall remain nameless, but bears a resemblance to being the K-mart of free online dating. Not quite as well-known as Thatch.com or Dis-Harmony (names changed so I won’t get sued) but just as great at getting me out there on the market.
Looking at houses and being critical of poorly vented furnaces, lousy window installations and shaky roof construction makes me wonder, is this why I haven’t found a buyer keeper on my dating site? Maybe it is a seller’s market there too! Hear me out.
If I took a look at myself as a prospective home buyer might, I’d like to say I see the same solid construction and weather-proofed body of my twenties and thirties. I’d point out all the selling features: Look she’s maintained the furnace and all the pipes work. She even comes with ample storage.* This gal has everything you are looking for when it comes to putting down roots. But the truth would come out in the inspection, so what’s the point? I’m all about the disclosure statement, which would probably look something like this:
This structure hasn’t been updated in a while. Still has original fixtures! Some wear and tear and it will need a new support beam sooner rather than later. The paint has faded a bit, but just needs a splash of color makes it look shiny and new again. Comes with child already attached. Warning, house has some issues: intermittent gas may cause an odd odor to linger in the basement. Foundation has shifted over time and the balcony is in need of buttressing.** And, if you watch a lot of comedy, it is prone to leaks.
When you look at all the flaws, it is hard to see why someone might be willing to put down an earnest deposit. But, I remind myself, someone did once before. He was a special homeowner, that guy. He didn’t notice the flaws and always played up the character and love gleaming beneath the clutter. He even put up with the kitchen’s tendency to feed him vegetables for dinner. So that’s what I’m waiting for, a buyer who can see past the cosmetic and value the classic. In that light, here’s my offer:
New Listing:
This little family model is ready for the right buyer. Presently it is built for two, but has room for growth. The property has a huge entertainment center—both outdoor and indoor—and you’ll spend so much time in the kitchen you won’t notice the squirrels in the attic. Don’t pass up this opportunity, this gal’s got massive potential.
I took my listing down for a while for a lack of a committed buyer, but I am contemplating putting myself back out there and all this house hunting has got me thinking…maybe it’s time to spruce up my curb appeal? So, stay tuned for Next Week’s Installment of This Old Broad, where a team of workmen pinpoint my flaws and try to refurbish me for a quick flip!
Asterisk Bedazzled Footnotes:
*Not sure this is a selling point, now I come to think of it.
**It was too perfect. How could I not say it?
Congratulations Kiri!
Check out her blog and see what This Old Broad is up to:
You Hate Me, You Really, Really Hate Me.
Long-Term Sleep Deprivation = Permanent Brain Damage, or….
Home Buying for Morons, Part III: The Good, The Bad and the So Very Ugly
The Green Study 
[…] 2nd Prize goes to Kirizar at The Dust Season for “Personals vs. Real Estate: Needs Work, Financing Available”, which will be published next week as a guest post on this blog. She will be sent one Green Study Coffee Mug, a pathetic Minneapolis postcard and I will make a $75 donation to the American Red Cross on her behalf to her local Red Cross Chapter. […]
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This is hysterical; and very clever. Maybe instead of dating sites she should advertise on HGTV 🙂
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Thank you. I hadn’t considered selling myself using the “This Bargain Only Lasts So Long Before It’s Gone” approach. That might work. Or offer myself on the installment plan, maybe…I’ll have to think on that.
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Love this! Clearly a must-follow blog!
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Thank you. I read your piece about your friend. I find those heartfelt pieces to be so hard to write and so beautiful to read. And I laughed as I cried about a momentary loss of dignity.
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Thank you! We’ve been blessed to have several chuckle moments together. I’m glad I was able to figure out a way to share that one, because I didn’t want the piece to be a Big Heavy – even though my heart is indeed heavy at the thought of losing her.
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Reblogged this on TheDustSeason and commented:
I’m a big fat winner! Check out my award-winning (2nd place finish) which can be found on The Green Study or here. Re-blogging my own work feels very meta!
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I loved this. I chickened out before finishing my profile on a dating site. Just wasn’t sure how to disclose the squirrels in the attic. Thanks for clearing that up!
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Sandy, if you blog, the dating site world is a must. It gives you tons of material and a true insight into exactly how hard it is to read a character from words on a screen. (I, for example, come across as eloquent and mostly-sane, in print.)
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Don’t mess with a classic. If you see a crew from HGTV pull up out front, lock the doors and turn off the lights.
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I will only allow HGTV to promote my kind of specialness in the wee hours of the morning–just to ensure the maximum number of crazies respond!
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This is very clever! And I have to say I’m happy that I’m not on the market…the disclosure statement would be far too long.
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That’s the wonderful thing about already being ‘home owned’, you know the mortgage payments and you can always tell when it’s time to change the filters. (I’m not sure where that metaphor was headed…but I suspect no where good.)
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“And if you watch a lot of comedy, it is prone to leaks.”
OMGosh, Kiri, I was laughing so hard! I thought my own posts re: these sites (Tons o’ Tuna and Plenty o’ Fish are my main sites) were cute, but yours is hysterical. SO enjoyed this, and think it deserves much wider readership. Start submitting EVERYWHERE. Really great. Thanks for the Christmas laugh.
If you don’t mind, I’m going to backlink to your post from my two. Tho’ no one is hitting them any longer, one never knows, does one, and I just like the sisterliness of laughing at the ridiculousness of these sites together.
–O. Babe
(Michelle, thank you for doing this contest–so much fun!)
Merry Christmas!
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I have been duly back-linked. But really, you should have taken me out to dinner first. 🙂
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Oh, and of course, thank you for the compliments.
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[…] have just gotta read Kiri’s hysterical post. I suspect it’s funnier to women than men, but if you’re a genital outie, go on over […]
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Kiri, Hilarious. 🙂 I married in my early 30’s, so I wasn’t a child bride. If there’d been computer dating in those days, I might have considered it. Really good piece. I can see how it won. 🙂 — Suzanne
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I often wonder whether my husband and I would have chosen each other from one of these sights either. At no point in my history did I say, “I really want to marry a musician with an obsession with Star Wars.” But, there you go. It’s funny how life turns out. To this day, I get teary-eyed when I hear Punk Rock because that was my husband’s first great love. (Before me.)
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Ack, typo. ‘Sites’. Crap. My GreenStudy pal is so going to razz me for getting that wrong.
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