Spammer Seeks Roommate with Problems

canstockphoto16553471Every once in a while, I scan the spam comments that this blog receives. If anyone can over-think a spam comment, it is yours truly.

With the guess that many of our spammers originate from countries where English is not a primary language, I am baffled by their opinions of Americans. We are apparently a helpful bunch of clods as entreaties for roommates and brothers with problems fill our spam boxes. We are also quite narcissistic and nothing pleases our peacock brains more than compliments about our skillful writing, that can be found nowhere else on the internet.

In the interest of international relations, I’ve decided to help out these misguided souls by providing a little advice (which I know they will like/bookmark/grab RSS feed in the hopes that I will buy their shoes/handbags/pills or allow them to have all my banking information following several cash wire transfers).

NOTICE: While these are real spam comments, no spammers have been hurt in the writing of this post. Attention is like air to them. Damn me.

Dear Random Blogger Who I have Spammed:

At this moment I am ready to do my breakfast, once having my breakfast coming yet again to read additional news.

Sincerely, Fake Name at gmail.com

Dear Fake Name:

If you are attempting to read the news, make sure your breakfast is comprised of cynicism sunny side up with a dash of disgust and faux outrage.

PS – You might notice that a lot of Americans shoot each other.

The Green Study

Dear Miscellaneous Internet Presence:

Thank you, I’ve recently been searching for information about this subject for a long time and yours is the best I have discovered till now. But, what about the bottom line? Are you certain in regards to the supply?

Toronto Star (aka MuslimRestaurant at zoho.com)

Dear Toronto Star:

While I’m flattered by the unsolicited and false compliment, it is clear that media across the border has taken a cue from its American cohorts. Using Twitter and random bloggers as reporting sources is an unsteady proposition at best.

If you are a Muslim restaurant, you clearly haven’t seen my kitchen, which is often bereft of supplies.

The Green Study

Hi mates,

how is the whole thing, and what you would like to say regarding this post, in my view its genuinely remarkable designed for me.

Papillon on the Park at opentable.com

Dear Papillon,

I also wore this shirt today for you. And I will be naming my second-never-born after you.

The Green Study

Dear Whoever You Are,

Simply want to say your article is as amazing. The clearness on your post is just cool and that i could assume you’re an expert in this subject.
Fine along with your permission let me to seize your RSS feed to keep updated with imminent post.
Thank you 1,000,000 and please continue the rewarding work.

Michael Kors Factory Outlet

Dear Michael Kors Factory Outlet (can I call you Mike?),

I am an expert on exactly nothing. Or everything, if you’re really stupid. By the way, I have no idea what the hell an RSS feed is, but I’m pretty sure it will fight back, should you attempt to seize it. Please thank me in $1 million dollars and no cheap knockoffs.

The Green Study

Dear Potential Smoker,

Its such as you read my thoughts! You seem to understand so much about this, such as you wrote the guide in it or something. I believe that you simply could do with some p.c. to drive the message home a bit, but other than that,
this is excellent blog. A fantastic read. I will definitely be back.

e-cigarette review

Dear e,

I can read your thoughts. Can you read mine? I’m thinking them really loudly right now and I don’t think you’ll be back.

The Green Study

Dear Person on Internet,

I do not even understand how I ended up right here, but I assumed this post used to be great.
I don’t realize who you are however certainly you are going to a well-known blogger for those
who are not already. Cheers!

Roseanna on YouTube

Dear Roseanna,

But used-to-bes don’t count anymore. They just lay on the floor ’til we sweep them away. Channeling my best canstockphoto3460980Neil Diamond for you. It is sweet bon mots like these that will indeed launch me into stardom. Then my publicist will write witty replies to spam. I’ll be too busy punching out paparazzi.

The Green Study

 

Well, this is a silly post that has gone on far too long. Have a great week!

Dear Spam Followers, This Blogger Will NOT Be Visiting Your Site

canstockphoto5683152

I’ve been out of circulation for the last week. I’ve been extremely busy following through on some volunteer commitments. I was astonished to see that my readership had jumped an unbelievable 15% in a week – without having written a single thing. The WordPress bot attacks reported in the news are in relation to denial of service attacks with the WordPress.org installation, so this is a separate issue.

To the people who have legitimately read and found something here that appeals to them, I sincerely thank you. I have so many great “conversations” with you and I value the time that you have taken to read, like and/or comment on a post. I am slow to catch up on my reading, but I try to visit each and every subscribed reader’s blog. Sometimes I follow it as well, if I find a subject that resonates or the writing or story is compelling.

However, with spam followers – there is NO indication that they have read the blog – no corresponding likes or comments by them. I will not be visiting their sites without some evidence that they have read the blog.

I don’t do courtesy follows. If I follow your blog, I will eventually read, like or comment on your posts. To do otherwise, would skew your numbers and not be respectful of the work and time you put into writing and establishing your blog. I am one person and can only read so many blogs. I will occasionally review the list of blogs I follow and cull the ones that have gone into retreat, just posted on how to eat babies or skin kittens, or have decided to reblog on a regular basis. I try to follow blogs for original content, context and conversation.

To my fellow bloggers, I would encourage you to implement this policy as well. It discourages spam followers and maintains a level of integrity in the system.

Regularly scheduled programming will return to this blog tomorrow.